Dean waited a few moments as the echo from the shot died in his ears, but not in his brain. No, that echo would be there much longer. Now, though, Sam needed him, so he took a deep breath and moved to the other room.
Sam was kneeling beside Madison. A single, perfect gun shot to the heart was the only thing wrong, and no way was that going to get better for anybody.
Dean carefully took the gun from Sam’s hands, pretending not to notice the slight trembling as Sam looked at her body. Dean pulled Sam to him and sighed as he ran his hands through his hair, hoping that contact would help. It didn’t. Sam just kept looking at her.
They did the rest of the work that needed to be done and hoped they had made themselves impossible to trace. They knew no one could specifically identify them. Dean told Sam he would do it, but Sam had insisted on helping. Dean hoped it would help with the battle in Sam’s head, but no, it didn’t.
Dean did feel guilty that the stalker ex-boyfriend might get the blame for this one, but there was nothing he could do about that. (Shouldn't be a big deal since he's dead).
Dean stopped at the motel and got their things as quickly as he could and then hit the road. Sam had waited in the car with his eyes closed and hadn’t said more than two words in as many hours and well, that was just wrong. Dean knew Sam needed to talk, especially about this. Dean would listen, hold him, and do whatever Sam needed him to do to make this somehow right.
They had driven about three hours out of the city and Dean pulled over in a rest stop. There were just some trucks, no one that would pay any attention to them.
“Keep driving,” Sam said, not opening his eyes.
“No, you need to talk to me and here is as good a place as any, so spill it”
“Drive.” Why couldn’t Dean see that he just wasn’t able to do this, talk about any of it now. * Please God let him start the car and drive,* Sam thought.
“No, Sammy, I know that is easier to do, I am the king of non-communication, but we gotta do this. You would be pushing me if the situation was reversed.”
“I can’t.” Sam’s voice was so small and pleading. He knew Dean was right. If this had happened some other way, some other time, Sam would be pushing Dean hard to open up, not let him shut down, but despite the truth, he just couldn’t make the words come.
“Please…. I’m okay.” What a lie that was. He was so far from okay, couldn’t even tell what okay was, but for now Sam was going with that. He would talk later, but right now he needed to just get far, far away. The other side of the world might be far enough. Then again, not really.
Sam had silent tears on his cheeks as Dean sighed and started the car. Dean really didn’t know how hard to push this, afraid of making Sam worse, so for now he would drive. He held Sam’s hand tightly, tracing imaginary patterns with his thumb, just keeping physical contact with him.
Four more hours down that highway and Dean was worried that Sam had completely shut down. That this was just too much. Hell, he hated what they'd had to do, and even he was having a hard time dealing with it.
Dean saw the sign for one of those chain motels and decided they at least needed some food, and he hoped Sam would agree to rest a little.
“I’m gonna get us a room, you good with that?”
“That’s probably a good idea, I know you’re tired,” Sam tried.
Dean shook his head, of all things, Sam was worried about him being tired.
Dean got them a room, one on the end away from most of the occupied rooms. They brought their stuff in and Dean offered Sam the first shower. Sam declined, saying he just wanted to lie down for a few minutes and stretched out on the bed.
Sam lay there for a while, really not thinking anything. He got up and took the gun out of their bag and just sat there looking at it. He had killed countless things with it, even werewolves, but not like this. She was completely human when he pulled that trigger and she had asked him to do it. For Sam this was impossible. Sam saw himself in that room and Dean holding the gun. He was lost in his thoughts and never even heard the shower turn off.
Dean had showered quickly, leaving the door open to hear Sam if he needed him. When he came out, Sam was sitting on the edge of the bed, just looking down at the gun he had used earlier. Dean’s blood turned cold. This could be very bad. From where he was, he couldn’t do anything if Sam was thinking ...no, not going there and he just moved toward his brother.
“Sam, what are you looking at?” as he got closer, Dean could see the safety was still on and let out the breath he had silently been holding.
“It’s heavy,” Sam sighed
“What is Sam?” Just keep him talking and this will be okay.
“The gun, it feels heavier now,” Sam said, not pointing it at anything, but weighing it in his hand.
“Let me carry it then. You carried it long enough. Give it to me, sharing the load makes it easier.”
Putting his hand out, Dean still really wanted Sam to give him the gun even though he realized this wasn’t about ending it all. It was about the heaviness of the burden.
“She looked human, smelled human, and was partly human…it has her weight on it now.”
Sitting down next to Sam, Dean spoke softly to his brother. “I know that Sammy, and I get it. Werewolves, vampires, all those things that are turned evil through no fault of their own, killing them just sucks out loud. I hate it too, really I do.”
Sam was crying, tears falling softly down his cheeks. “She kissed me Dean…thanked me for being strong enough to do this…how could she thank me?”
“Because she would have a compassionate death. You held her close, told her not to be afraid, kissed her and caught her as she fell. I know you did all those things, so I know she wasn’t afraid and she wasn’t alone or hunted. You know that if we didn’t do this, some other hunter would, someone like Gordon, who would take pleasure in her suffering.” Dean never changed the tone of his voice and was now holding Sam’s other hand.
“Dean, I never really, really understood what I was asking, what I made you promise. They were just words, promises made without thought of what it would do to you. Dad never should have put that on you. I never should, I’m sorry…..how could I…how could…I take it back...you don’t have to….”
“If that, in that apartment, is our fate, we can’t change it, but he still doesn’t win. He loses both of us, you know that. If you’re afraid, don’t be. Whatever happens, I am right beside you. I’m not afraid of it, the only thing that I am afraid of is a life without you, and that won’t happen.” Dean stopped; he would not let his voice crack now. Sam needed him to be sure.
Dean left the rest unspoken; he had decided that he would be going with Sam to whatever afterlife there was. The bullet after the one that killed Sam had Dean’s name on it. There was no other way and he had a plan, but now was not the time for that discussion. Never would be too soon for that discussion.
Sam was shaking now and Dean wanted to stop, wanted just to hold him, kiss him and make this go away, but he knew he couldn’t. He leaned over and kissed the top of Sam’s head, he felt Sam shudder and break a little. This wound was deep and needed to be cleansed. Dean knew Sam needed to break all the way and then he could start to heal.
“Sam, I know this much. We didn’t choose this battle, we were chosen for it. Why, I don’t know, and no it’s not because of you. I know you blame yourself for all this. We fight the good fight. I do know that in all the epic battles of good and evil, good ultimately wins. There are casualties and good people die, but good wins. You are as good as they come baby, so that yellow-eyed bastard will not win. Good is on our side, and whatever it is, God, Buddha, Allah, or some deity we never heard of is behind us.”
Sam was listening, still hearing that gunshot, but it was fading being replaced by the sound of his tears. He couldn’t stop them, he couldn’t stop shaking, hell right now he couldn’t stop anything. He was just tired and scared. God he hated this. All he wanted to do was to take Dean, hold him until he couldn’t hold him anymore and love him. Dean was the only person he ever truly loved. Sam knew this battle would be long and hard, but he wanted…oh God he wanted to not do this.
‘I’m not sure I am strong enough Dean…I want to be, but sometimes it’s too hard.”
“I know Sammy, you don’t have to be strong now...you don’t have to carry it”
Sam held the gun out for Dean to take, and just let go. He felt Dean pulling him into a tight embrace; he buried his head into Dean’s side.
Dean rocked him, whispering nothing at all, just words that filled the air with his love. Dean let Sam just cry, just hold onto him, for as long as Sam needed to.
Sam quieted after awhile and Dean knew he was exhausted. He was pretty sure Sam hadn’t slept in well over a day so he just pulled him over and cradled him in his arms.
“Go to sleep baby…you need to rest,” he said to his love, letting his hand run through Sam’s hair like he did when he was little.
“Nice, feels safe when you do that,” Sam mumbled
“We are safe Sammy, together, we are always safe.” And Dean felt Sam relax and knew he was asleep.
It was getting dark and the moon was just cresting the horizon as he ran the events over in his head and made a decision. He was through risking losing everything to this war. He knew the virtue in saving people, in helping them, but for now they needed to save themselves. They would be there for the battles that mattered. They were two of the best hunters going, but this stuff was breaking them, piece by piece. Sometimes Dean wondered if Sam wasn’t right when he said the demon was pushing them, trying to crack them. He was not going to loose the only person in the world that mattered to him. Right now, he didn’t see the point in winning the battle if all that was left at the end were shattered pieces of what they once were. Dean held Sam a little tighter and let himself sleep for awhile.
Sam shifted after a few hours and Dean stroked his arm, smiling down at him. Sam looked up between those too long bangs of his. Exhaustion still showed in his eyes, but now Dean could see Sam there, too.
The Weight of a Life by sammysslave
Author's Notes:
This is my take on the events at the end of "Heart" so it has spoilers. Supernaturalgrl did the beta and offered encouragement. She is awesome as always. Hope you like it.