Dean Winchester was sitting at the bar making decisions. Not any decisions he wanted to make mind you, but ones that had to be made. Whatever the hell was going on in his fucked up relationship with Sam was going to stop tonight. He couldn’t take it anymore.
The six weeks since he had gone and gotten him at Stanford had been impossible. Sam was not acting anything like himself. Dean knew he was grieving and understood that. He never expected them to fall back into their relationship; he knew that Sam had moved on. Jessica was proof of that. Sure, he still loved Sam, as in loved him, but he could deal with the fact that Sam didn’t feel that way about him anymore. He was good at being alone, the king of love ‘em and leave ‘em. He could tell himself that he didn’t need love when he had physical gratification. That worked most of the time and wasn’t the problem. The problem was Sam himself. He was cold, calculating, almost hateful, and single-minded in his determination to find Dad and the thing that killed Mom and Jess. That was not his Sammy. His Sammy was so warm and loving he would swear he was part girl. That Sammy had disappeared, at least as far as Dean was concerned. Sam even cringed the other night when Dean had to stitch his shoulder and then bolted out of the room. Dean thought he had finally figured it out. Sam hated him. Hated that he had come to him, asked him to leave ‘normal’ and come back to the freak show that is their life, and then ultimately gotten Jessica, the woman who had replaced him in Sam’s life, killed. Sam was only with him now because he didn’t know how to walk away. He was going to push the issue tonight, force Sam to say it, and then they could part ways. It would probably kill him to do it, but he wouldn’t make Sam stay where he didn’t want to be.
Dean was right about only one thing; Sam wasn’t where he wanted to be right now. Where he wanted to be was wrapped so tight around his brother it would feel like they shared the same skin. To have Dean buried so deep inside him that he felt nothing but Dean. He wanted for things to be like they were before he left and screwed everything all to hell.
Where he was, however, was sitting on the floor of their darkened room, back against the wall in a corner just trying to keep it together. Being this close to his brother was torture. Ever inch of him craved his touch, desperately wanted his hands, his arms, his lips, his everything to touch him. He knew now that could never happen again. To give in to what he wanted would mean Dean would die, pinned to a fucking ceiling. If Sam gave in, he was condemning Dean and that couldn’t happen. He needed to find their father. Dean would be safe with him and he had to get control of himself and figure out how to do that. Figure out how to be just his brother. Figure out how to make Dean hate him and make him go away and then, just maybe then, the demons would leave Dean alone. Yeah that was easy.
Sam was sitting at the small table looking for leads by the time Dean came in. He had gathered himself and hoped it didn’t still look as though he’d been crying. His greeting was cut off by the fact that he was being pulled up and shoved into the wall.
“Dean! The fuck man” Sam yelled, “fucking hurting me, you freak!” Sam really was a little scared since Dean never hurt him and he mumbled “Christo” and got nothing but Dean looking back at him, pissed as all hell.
“Not possessed Sam…the fuck is wrong with you?” Dean forced back, not letting go even though he knew he was hurting Sam.
“Nothing is wrong with me…not the one pinning someone to the wall,” he said hatefully as he struggled to move and figure out what the deal was.
“No, no you're not. You are the one walking around like you want to kill me…so here’s your chance. Hit me…do your best…you hate me so fucking much you can’t look at me, you cringe when I touch you… so do it!” Dean shouted as he let him go and backed off just enough so that Sam could.
Sam stood there with his heart pounding unable to breathe for a moment. Oh God, Dean thought he hated him. No, no, no, that wasn’t right. He is knees went weak and he started to slide down the wall.
Dean was still standing there, waiting for something, anything, but not Sam sinking to the floor shaking.
Instantly he softened his tone. “Sammy, talk to me, please,” he said quietly, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
The ‘please’ did it. Dean sounded broken and he never asked for anything. Sam knew he couldn’t do it. He knew he couldn’t keep doing this.
Sam quietly whispered “I don’t hate you.”
Not what Dean expected, but at least Sam was talking. “Then what is this Sammy, what is going on between us?”
“I can’t...”
“What can’t you do Sammy, tell me…I’ll fix it.” Dean figured he meant he couldn’t be with him physically anymore and that he really could fix. He could be just his big brother.
“Can’t let you, can’t let you or it will know.”
Dean paused at that, Sam wasn’t making any sense. “Sammy, what ‘it’?”
“Everybody who loves me dies…please don’t love me anymore…I want you to hate me, then it will leave you alone.” Sam buried his head into his knees and folded into himself.
Oh. God. Suddenly it all made sense. Sam’s desperation to find Dad, his pushing him away all the time, was his way of protecting him from a fiery death on a ceiling. Dean sat there for a minute thinking about what to say to that. Sam had to know he could never hate him.
“Jesus Sammy, I can’t hate you. I can’t. No matter what you do or say, I can’t.”
Sam let out an audible sob at those words. Dean had to hate him; it was the only way he could see to save him. “Please,” he begged.
Dean went down to the floor and sat down next to, but not touching, his brother. Sam was on shaky ground right now and he really wasn’t sure how to make this okay. Push too hard and Sam would bolt to save him.
“Sam, I’m not going to die like that. I can’t promise you that some creepy ass thing isn’t going to get one of us, you know that, but this thing that is dogging our family isn’t going to pin me up.”
“It will someday. Dad’s gone and I can’t protect you.”
“Of course you can. You’ve had my back since you were old enough to hold a gun. I’ll take you over anybody, even Dad, any day. Nobody would fight harder or longer to save my ass than you. You’d die trying to save me. I know that and so does Dad. We just have to keep fighting it, not each other. Together we are a hell of a force.”
Dean made it all sound so easy. Just fight the good fight and win. Everybody lives and life becomes good.
“We’ll find Dad, he’s out there. And honestly, I think he left so that I would be able to get you. He knew I would go to you, and he knew you’d be there for me. He must think we’re safe together and if he thinks that, then we need to trust him. He’s not in the habit of being wrong on these things. He never meant those things he said to you. Never. All he ever wanted was for you to be safe, and for him, that meant staying with us. But he’s a stubborn son of a bitch, we all are, as it’s a fine Winchester trait, and what he said when you left was all twisted and wrong, but I know that he thinks together we are safe.”
Sam was still curled in on himself, but instinctively relaxed a little when he felt Dean run a hand through his hair.
“Would kill me to lose you,” Sam whispered and it would. He had never meant anything more than that statement.
“Same here, Sammy. I can’t, I won’t lose you and I d-don’t want to lose us either. I have wanted you so much, needed you for so long, but if you don’t want that now, I understand.” He was still unsure of where that part of them stood.
“So much Dean, I want you so damn much it hurts, physically hurts, to not have you. But, I need you to be safe, Dean, that’s all that matters and it’s enough.” If Dean was safe, he could survive not being with him.
Dean literally felt his heart jump at those words. Sam still wanted him. His only and true love still wanted him. Damn if he was letting that go. “No it isn’t. You need to be loved, baby. You of all people need to be loved and I need to love you. It is what makes us complete.”
Dean pulled him closer, so that his head was nestled against his chest and Sam could hear the heartbeat that had always been home to him, the rhythmic sound of all that would ever be his world. He curled his fingers tight into the fabric of Dean’s tee-shirt and lost himself for a moment in the earth, gunpowder, and musk scent that was all Dean.
“Feels so good, in your arms Dean, feels so damn good.”
“Shhh let me hold you then, just let it feel good. It’s okay. It's all going to be okay.”
He was so tired of running, running from home all those years ago trying to avoid the life that terrified him, from the love that could condemn his brother to death, from a destiny that was impossible, that he just let go and let Dean hold him. He let Dean take back everything that was his. All the love, all the comfort, all the desire that belonged to him and no one else. He would fight to his own death for all of it and above it all he would fight for the life of his only true love, his Dean.
“You make it sound so simple,” Sam spoke quietly.
Dean chuckled at that, nothing in their lives was ever simple. “I know it’s not simple baby, I know that. Our lives are about as complicated as they come. It’s a fucked up little corner of Oz, Sammy, but it's what we have.”
He leaned down and kissed his brother, chaste at first, then deeper. Sam moaned against his lips, parting them so Dean’s tongue could find his and tangle around it. They finally separated when the need for air overpowered the need to feel their lips pressed together again.
Dean was already rock hard, and he could tell Sam was, too. His jeans were stretched and painful. “Too long Sammy, too long without you, I’m not gonna last long,” he said huskily as he kissed his way down Sam’s neck, nuzzling at the base of his ear.
“Jesus I missed you, your touch, you making me come for you,” Sam told him in a hoarse voice.
“God Sammy, love it when you talk like that.”
“Bed, now, need you naked now,” Sam commanded.
Dean was panting as he stood, desire darkening his eyes and he took Sam pulling him up to him. Sam was on the bed and naked before he even knew how it happened. All he knew was that Dean’s hands were on him, his own lips seeking out every inch of Dean’s body, and they were pressed together so close, nothing could come between them. Their cocks were rubbing together in just an ‘oh so perfect’ way that Sam was writhing under his brother and going to come any second.
Dean groaned in his ear. “Sammy, so close baby, can’t hold on,” he said gruffly as he fought to keep control of his raging desire.
“Let go Dean, come with me, I’m right there, now, please now,” Sam begged, and they both let their control go and thrust against each other as they came, hot milky fluid mixing together between them, deep throaty moans passing their lips, and passion filling their souls.
They lay twined, one on top the other as they calmed. Just the feel of Sam under him had Dean’s cock twitching again. “God Sammy, can’t get enough of you, want to be in you…haven’t made love in so long, can’t make love to anybody but you.”
“Need you there baby, need it sooo much," Sam rasped.
“Gotta get the stuff out of my bag.” Dean murmured as he moved to get up.
“No just you," Sam said as he held Dean tight.
“Oh Sammy. Jesus. Are you sure?”
“Positive.” His eyes locked on Dean’s as he stroked his back gently.
“I’ve waited for you to say that.”
Sam pulled him closer and lapped at his ear and suckled the soft spot at the base of it until Dean was making soft mewling sounds. Neither of them had much control this time around either, but the pace was a little slower, rediscovering each other as they strove for completion. Fingers caressed, tongues licked, and teeth nipped at each other until there was nothing but moans and mewls escaping from kiss swollen lips.
Dean made his way down Sam’s body, teasing his nipples, caressing his sides, and tonguing his belly button. Reveling in the site of Sam coming unglued beneath him, he reached for his cock and ghosted his fingers around the head, causing Sam to thrust up desperate for more contact. Trailing his fingers through the precome, he slicked them up and slid his hand along Sam’s balls to his center, gently working it open and slipping a finger inside. Sam was practically purring it all felt so good.
“Damn Sammy, you are so hot, so tight.”
“Mmm, only you …only for you,” he spoke in a ragged voice as he ran his fingers along Dean’s shoulders, caressing his earlobe.
Dean gradually worked a second finger and then a third into Sam, purposely avoiding his prostate.
“Need you now pleasepleaseplease!” Sam begged again.
“Okay Sammy, need you too,” Dean said as he positioned himself at Sam’s entrance and guided himself in. He was trying to go slow, give Sam time to adjust, but Sam wrapped his legs around him and pulled him in until he was balls deep and throbbing inside him, the pain from penetration turning into pure pleasure as it spread out across his body.
“Nnnggghhh...” Dean moaned as he felt Sam’s inner muscles clench around him, massaging his hardness like a velvet glove. So perfect.
They stayed like that as long as they could, just basking in the feel of being joined, completed as one. The need to move was getting overwhelming and Dean shifted, knowing just how to move to brush that little nub deep inside his brother that would have him graying out for a moment.
“Mine, just mine,” Sam growled as he clutched to Dean.
Those words sparked something inside Dean that he hadn’t felt in years; a desire for Sam that was so deep it was almost genetic. He snapped his hips back and thrust in so hard the headboard smacked the wall and drywall sprinkled down on them. Sam groaned loudly as Dean pounded his prostate and he reached up and crushed his lips to Dean’s as they thrust against each other. Dean reached a hand between them and stroked Sam in time with his thrusts, sending wave after wave of pleasure crashing through them until they came in a flurry of moaned devotions and shouted names. They shuddered against each other with panting breaths as they calmed. Despite his desire to stay inside Sam, Dean softened and slipped out with a little moan from both of them at the loss. Now completely spent, they rolled into the familiar curve of bodies, nestled in each others arms and slept the first deep sleep either of them had been able to capture in weeks.
Sam woke later in the night and looked at Dean. He knew the nightmares and realities of their lives would always haunt them. There had never been any doubt that he trusted Dean to watch over him and keep him safe. Now he understood that Dean felt the same trust toward him and if Dean trusted him with his life, then he would have to trust himself enough to keep the most sacred thing in his life safe. Together they would watch and protect each other.
I hope you enjoy this little flashback to season 1 and it does contain spoilers. Supernaturalgrl did her magic for the beta and I love her as always.