The road stretched out before the Impala like black ink spilled upon the empty landscape. The velvet sky was littered with the diamond dust of the Milky Way.
The Winchester boys were tired, aching all the way to the bone. Another town, another hunt, another triumph.
Dean had been driving for 9 hours straight, and he was road weary. Sam was asleep in the passenger seat. He'd had a rough time on this hunt. The demon they eventually dispatched read Sam's mind, and decided to play with Sam's head, torturing him with the horrid details of Jessica's death and afterlife. The cruel words ripped Sam's heart to pieces with guilt enough so that he began to give in, almost allowing the demon to take him over. But at the last minute, a surge of will pushed him into battle mode, and he was able to compliment and balance each move Dean made on the demon, and together, they sent the bastard back to hell for good.
Dean looked over at Sam, noticing the moonlight pale upon his skin. "He looks like an angel," he thought. He wanted so much to lay with him, hold him, and make love to him. But he knew that if he ever even hinted at such a thing, Sam would bolt and he'd never see him again. He couldn't have that. So he settled for what he could have: blistering, unrequieted love. "Oh Sammy, I love you so much," Dean whispered.
The months that Sam had been back with him had been wonderful for Dean, but also bittersweet. Having Sam around again made him feel as if he'd crawled out of a dark hole into the light. But it could be painful as well. Alot of the time, Sam was closed off. Dean understood that the pain of losing Jessica would take time to heal, but so often he wouldn't talk for hours, sometimes even days. Dean wanted so much to help him, but unless Sam would confide in him, there wasn't really anything he could do other than just be there.
Dean's mind began to wander back in time. Back to when he realized he was totally, completely head-over-heels in love with his little brother. Sam was sixteen, and had recently gone through a massive growth spurt. He'd reached 6'4", which pissed Dean off, and had finally grown into his too-large hands and feet. The clumsiness that had always been Sam's trademark was gone. In it's place was confidence, self-esteem and iron will, as well as a healthy dose of cockiness mixed with rebellion. He'd also gained co-ordination, strength and stamina. More than once he kicked Dean's ass during their daily sparring.
The Winchesters moved to a new town just in time for basketball tryouts at the high school Sam was to attend. More and more, Sam wanted to have a life separate from his father's hunting obsession, so he went out for the varsity team and made first string. Since he was the tallest, the coach made him the Center. John was reluctant to allow Sam to play, knowing full well that they could be forced to move on again in a few months, or even as little as a few weeks. He wanted to spare Sam any issues with having to leave again. But the look of pride and accomplishment worn on his younger son's face was too much, and he couldn't say no. Instead, he agreed, cautioning Sam to understand the possibility that he could end up not finishing the season. He also extracted a promise from him that he'd keep up with his weapons training and his sparring schedule with his brother, reminding him how important their mission was.
"YOUR mission, Dad, NOT mine," Sam flared immediately. Of course, that started a fight that Dean had to break up. John stormed from the house, not coming back until 3 days later, drunk off his ass. Dean hadn't been worried because he knew his father could handle himself, even if he was intoxicated so fully that he couldn't remember his name. Sam was another story. He felt guilty for lashing out at John, as he did so often these days. He was afraid his Dad would go off half-cocked at someone or something and get into more trouble than he could handle.
"Sam, c'mon, you know Dad better than that. No matter how far gone he is, fucking pissed or drunk, he's always on his game," Dean told him. "Don't torture yourself."
When John finally stumbled in, Sam jumped up to help him.
"Sss'okay, Sammy, we're good son. You just enjoy being a part of something else for a change. I'll try my best to keep us here."
"Thanks, Dad. I'm glad you're ok. I was worried," Sam told him.
"Aww, hell, Sammy, you know me! I can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'," he laughed, pretty tickled at his dumb joke.
"Ok, old man," said Dean. "I think it's time you crawled in the bed and slept this off." John allowed Dean to steer him to his room.
A few weeks later, John went on a hunt alone. Sam had a game, and he asked Dean to come and watch the team play. Of course, Dean would never, HAD never, said no to Sam for any reason. So, even though he'd planned a date with a really loose girl, he went to the game for his brother.
When Sammy's team, the Bullets, took the court, they were unstoppable. Total domination from the get-go. Dean was shocked at how good Sam played. He'd never shown a lot of interest in playing sports, but obviously that had changed. Dean also found out and was very proud to learn that Sam had been elected team captain. He noticed that Sam's teammates paid close attention to everything he said, no one offering any arguments. He watched as the coach would put his arm around Sam and pull him in for a word about their next strategy. And he also noticed that several of the cheerleaders never took their eyes off of him. That bugged Dean. Alot. He didn't understand why he felt like that, not recognizing his jealousy. But when one of the players on Sam's team patted him on the ass after he sank a long shot, Dean was outright pissed and began to analyze why. After a few minutes of following his thoughts, the light came on and he was overcome at his conclusion: "Oh God, I love Sammy," he thought. "Fuck, I'm IN love with Sammy. Oh shit, no! NO! It's not possible!" he screamed at himself just as the final buzzer signaled the end of the game and another win for the Bullets. They were undefeated. Nothing could be heard over the reaction from the crowd. Sam sought out his brother and gave him a huge smile, which Dean returned along with a thumbs up.
About 30 minutes later, Sam found Dean waiting for him outside.
"Hey man! I was afraid you'd left," said Sam.
"Uh, no, I uh...great game man," Dean managed to choke out. "You're really good."
"Naw, it's the team that's really good. I'm just ok. Hey, we're all heading over to Guiluigi's for pizza. Wanna tag along?" Sam asked.
"Tag along?" thought Dean, a little miffed at being made to feel like an outsider. "Uh, no, s'ok man. You go on and celebrate with your buddies," Dean said.
"Sa-am!" a female voice called out. "Are you coming?" she asked.
"I hope to be," Sam said to Dean in a low voice, winking at the same time, a world-class shit-eating grin on his face.
At that statement, Dean's face turned blood red and his heart began to pound. He hoped Sam couldn't see or hear either reaction.
"C'mon Dean, you sure you won't come with us?" asked Sam.
"No, Sammy," Dean responded woodenly. "Go on, I'll see you later." All Dean really wanted was to be alone with his thoughts so that he could figure out what the fuck was wrong with him. He felt like a perverted fucking sicko.
His mind now back in the present, Dean thought of all the women, and then men, he'd used to try and erase Sammy from his mind, to cleanse his thoughts of how desperately he was in love with him. To purge from his heart and wipe from his soul all the things he wanted to say and do to Sam. It had never worked, though. It had gotten to the point recently that he'd taken to going on long walks instead of having meaningless sex with strangers, thinking of his Sammy the whole time. He wanted Sam, plain and simple. He was at the point of total celibacy, preferring to take care of things himself, picturing Sam all the while. Hell, he'd not been with another person in over 6 months.
His attention was suddenly drawn to Sam; he began to moan in his sleep. Dean's heart clenched. He hated to see Sammy having a nightmare.
Hello all! Sorry for this, but the original 'Secrets' was accidentally deleted. Moron that I am, I didn't keep my first draft, so I couldn't re-post it. I struggled with whether or not to try and reconstruct those 2 chapters or write something new. So I settled on writing something new with a few elements of the original. I hope you like this. Please review, and be brutal! I need it. Thanks!
~Supernaturalgrl